I knew so much would change. My heart, my ability to love unconditionally, the feelings and emotions delicately woven into the mother and child relationship, my growing up, my purpose, my body, my soul. Though only 20 when I found out I was pregnant, I was miraculously not intimidated. I was thrilled at the prospect of bringing a beautiful human life into the world and wrote my son love letters in a little book that still adorns the top of my dresser.
No one ever told me that I could physically ache for another person the way I do for my son.
I saw Aidan for the first time last night since Friday (and I swear he’s grown at least an inch). I enjoyed a much-needed and thoroughly enjoyable vacation with Renee and her husband Craig in DC and was also able to meet up with Kelly and Buck over the course of the weekend. It was delightful to connect with my old friends. Though I returned on Monday evening, Aidan was with his dad for the night. By mid-day yesterday I felt nearly frantic. Aidan, of course, had been having a blast- getting spoiled by both grandmas and spending quality time with his dad. Although his dad did tell me that at bedtime Aidan said, “You know, I miss my mommy.”
I literally felt like a part of me was missing being away from him for four whole days. That is the longest, consecutive period of time we’ve been apart since his birth. I positively craved him. His laugh, his smart ass remarks, the way he still twirls my hair when he is sleepy, the feeling of his warm little body in my lap. The depth of these moments is indescribable. It is the purest of love and holds such carefree authenticity.
I was, if possible, drunk on us last night. I had picked up a hilarious new book of 14 short stories that I read in silly voices and we just giggled and giggled. “Do it again, Mom, again!” That is the sweetest sound my ears could’ve heard. How I had missed the simple, mundane things like having him next to me while brushing our teeth. A tickle war? Best. Thing. Ever.
When I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight way too many times I realized that I owe it all to him. My heart is open because of him. I have felt the most intense emotions because of him. I know how to love another human being because of him. Because of a boy that has not quite reached five years of age, I have learned what matters.