It's All Wiggly!

I had a bit of a freak out moment last week as I carefully completed an application for Aidan's Kindergarten enrollment next fall. The feeling was compounded when I phoned our doctor's office to obtain the required immunization records. I always shake my head when he puts on a pair of sweatpants that totally fit last week but might now spur a thought of: if he's going to look like he's habitually ready for sports practice or bedtime, the least his mother could do is get the right size. And speaking of sports, I will officially be a soccer mom come Tuesday! With the exception of one unfortunate and ill-timed spill on the snow hill last night, he was perfectly capable of cruising down on a sled solo, while bright lights beamed down on him.

My little boy is growing up.

You don't necessarily notice it when you see them every single day. Even just an absence of a couple days causes me to caress his silky hay-colored hair longer and hug him that much tighter. He always looks just a tad more self-sufficient if I've embarked on a mini-trip with friends and he's spent his weekend playing Go Fish and Slap Happy with Grandma.

Then there are the undeniable milestones, however small, that unexpectedly get you.

On Friday night I prepared dinner for us. A sandwich, applesauce, fruit and corn on the cob- one of Aidan's favorites. He excitedly bit down into the corn on the cob. And subsequently burst into tears. His reaction was so startling that I'm sure I just stared at him as lengthy seconds ticked by. Finally, I snapped to.

"Honey! What's wrong?"

"My, my, my...." He trailed off as fresh, salty tears cascaded down his little cheeks.

"What happened?" I asked again, a little more frantic this time.

"My tooth!" He gasped out.

Then he spoke again. "It's all wiggly!"

His first loose tooth. He had mentioned something the night before, but as he pointed from one side of his mouth to the other in his complaint, I hadn't paid much attention. And, of course, millions of mothers have had this moment, so my moment is not unique.

But I can't believe that sometime in the very near future he'll have a little hole in his mouth and I'll be playing Tooth Fairy.

The good news is, he says he'll eat steak and fish when he has big chompers. His words exactly.

2009 in Quotes

Like every blogger, I have an end of the year post!

I have learned more about myself in 2009 than any other year. It was the year I became a full-time single mom. It was the year I graduated. It was the year I was dealt some tough cards and I learned who I really am in dealing with them. It was the year I was forced to dig deep. It was the year I learned to accept my flawed, exuberant self.

Which is a lot.

I like to get my way, I am already a loud talker and that just gets magnified when I drink and I always try to get too much done every day. I used to freak out when my calendar wasn't filled and while I still keep a fairly active social life, I've learned to really enjoy quiet time alone. My best and worst quality is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I let people into my life freely. You get all of me- the good, the bad, the loud, the overly honest, the emotional, the frustrated, the indecisive. I am incapable of holding grudges and probably forgive too easily. I am kind to everyone, even when they don't deserve it or don't even want it. This, of course, means that I leave myself wide open to getting hurt. But that is just the way God created me.

I feel like I spent my younger twenties trying to look like I had it all together. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to look happy. I tried to convince myself that my life was just as it was supposed to be, even though I knew it wasn't.

This year I came to terms that my life isn't what I thought it would be. I thought I would be happily married and on my way to five children! I thought I'd be staying at home and throwing dinner parties with my husband on the weekend, the husband who took care of the family. I am decidedly single with one amazing little boy. I work 40 hours a week. And I throw some pretty fun girls' nights. So the picture is not what I thought it would be. But I am absolutely certain that I would not be who I am today without this path, without all of the struggles I've had, without being forced to do this all on my own.

And the funny thing is, I totally stopped worrying about looking happy. Granted, I may have been a little emotional while wrapping Christmas presents alone, thinking about everyone who gets to share that task with another. And I laugh a little too forced and loud when I state that I do not have one girlfriend who is single. Not one! Even if I count my girlfriends in other states!

But my heart is at peace. I've accepted imperfect me. And despite ups and downs and drama, that has made 2009 the best year ever. I'm genuinely happy.

I have a lovely girlfriend in another state with whom I email regularly. We often share "quotes of the day." Here are some of my favorites from the year:

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~John Barrymore

“Your beloved and your friends were once strangers. Somehow at a particular time, they came from the distance toward your life. Their arrival seemed so accidental and contingent. Now your life is unimaginable without them.” ~John O’Donohue

“Life is too precious, too important, too short for quick fixes that in the end fix nothing and from which we learn nothing except that we have wasted our time trying to find happiness in short cuts. The only way to real fulfilment is to look inside see what is there, then look outside and see what difference we can make with what we have to offer - whether we knew we had it in us, or whether it was something we grew within us over the coldest, most seemingly dormant, or darkest times, in order to reap the richest harvest of all.” ~Jacquelene Close Moore

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” ~e.e. cummings

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~Bernard Meltzer

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.” ~Alfred D. Souza

"Do everything. Love as much as you can...it may hurt but it helps us grow. Give all you have...you may be poor but you will be content. Always forgive...your heart can not afford not to. Teach what you know and learn what you don't. Stay open to all." ~Anonymous

“Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

“Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of the feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” ~Rex Cole

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary." ~ Mark Twain

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." ~Theodore I. Rubin, MD “The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty.” ~Seneca

These were all quotes that were sent through emails during 2009. I encourage you to live in the present. The best to you in 2010!!

25 Days

So I've decided to do "monthly experiments". The focus being something I attempt to concentrate on for that particular month to make life more enjoyable and to better myself. I am a firm believer that life is the journey, that there is not some happiness to arrive at, but rather the experiences shape us and we are continually growing and learning. I could write a laundry list of ways in which I would like to improve myself as a human being, so hopefully I'll tackle those slowly but surely.

This month I made myself write down one thing I was thankful for before I went to bed. Rather simple considering it's the season and I graduated this month. But having all of these things contained in a few journal pages reminds me that I have incredible people in my life and, even on the days where I'm feeling down, I have been blessed with much.

In the future, I'll go the whole month and report back, but I thought this would make for an appropriate Christmas blog.

12/1 - One of my girlfriends sat on her couch with me, offered me a glass of wine and helped me to think through some personal stuff in my life. I am thankful for genuine friendship and the ability to be open and honest.

12/2- My Mom and I were in Ann Arbor looking for Arbor Brewing Co. before a show and we were totally lost. Hunched under an umbrella too small for two with water beginning to seep into our shoes, this older woman appeared out of nowhere. When she didn't have directions herself, she followed us and went into a shop to ask for us. She sent us on our way, then disappeared. I am thankful for kind strangers.

12/3- A girlfriend texted me to let me know she got us tickets to the Nutcracker as a graduation present. I am thankful for friends who love me.

12/4- The battery in my phone has been losing power for quite awhile now. I was gifted with a nearly new phone by a friend who was upgrading hers. I am thankful for generosity.

12/5- My son and I experienced this disaster and my friend laughed, loved us and told me what a good mom I am. I am thankful for needed words hitting my ears.

12/6- My Mom watched Aidan during the evening while I utilized her computer to write two papers for school. I am endlessly grateful for a mama who is so good to her grandson.

12/7- Aidan's dad and I talked about Christmas and he told me I could have whatever schedule I wanted. I am thankful for a drama-free divorce.

12/8- My boss gave me dark chocolate during a long work day. I am thankful to be employed, to be busy and, always, for dark chocolate :)

12/9- One of my closest friends sent me the most lovely email. I am thankful for soulmate friends, the kind who get you and love you unconditionally.

12/10- Today is so easy. I was unexpectedly gifted with a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings that I would never be able to afford as a graduation gift. It made me cry. I am thankful that there are people in my life who recognize that this mama isn't often (or ever) gifted with fine jewelry and wanted to make my day.

12/11- I had sushi with a good friend who openly told me what some of my positive character traits are. I am thankful for people who do not hold back, who say what is on their mind and who let the people in their life know how special they are.

12/12- My lovely little sister drove to be at my graduation and my Mom threw me a surprise party. I am thankful for my family. My wonderful, crazy, loud, honest family.

12/13- Five friends of mine threw me a graduation dinner. I am thankful for people who love good food, wine and conversation as much as I do.

12/14- I went out with friends and watched Monday Night Football. I am thankful that my son sees his dad every week and that I can relax with a beer and my friends.

12/15- Tonight was officially the last class of my undergrad. I am thankful to the parents, professors, bosses and friends who helped me finish.

12/16- I visited a girlfriend of mine who just had a baby. Every time I hold a precious new life, I am amazed at the miracle. It made me really thankful for the health of my son and for my own health.

12/17- I started to read a book tonight. For pleasure! In English! With a homemade candle lit and a cup of tea in hand, I am thankful for my awesome, cozy home. It is all mine and I feel very blessed that I have been given the abilities to earn what I have.

12/18- I like to dance. I really do. Completely sober in my living room or a couple cocktails deep out with friends, I enjoy it. I'm not really a good dancer. I'm just someone who looks like she's having a good time when she's doing it! I danced tonight. I am thankful for music and dancing.

12/19- I went for a run this morning and it was a snowy, winter wonderland scene. I am grateful for my ability to put one foot in front of the other and for every moment where I feel truly alive.

12/20- Aidan behaved so well when I took him to an indoor garden/sculpture park with tons of different Christmas trees decorated for various countries. I am thankful that God entrusted me with the little boy who is perfect for me.

12/21- Bedtime was before 8. BEFORE 8. I am thankful that I have every evening with my boy and can give him a better schedule now.

12/22- Aidan brought home a little brown paper bag from school with a gift that he made for me in class. He is obviously very proud of it. I am thankful for a school that gives children something to put under the tree for their parent.

12/23- I walked into an establishment as one of many last-minute shoppers. Having already checked at multiple other places with no success, I told the clerk who I was shopping for and what they're in to. Help. I am thankful for patient people who work in retail.

12/24- I went to the Christmas Eve service at church alone. And I was running a little late. I am thankful for the usher who helped me find an empty seat and for the kind people surrounding me.

12/25- After Aidan opened his gifts I was able to set up the Wii by myself, help Aidan build a lego house and I taught him to drive a remote control car. I am thankful that, even when I doubt my own abilities to do something right on my own, I always seem to pull through. And I'm thankful that I had people I could call had I not been able to.

From my family to yours...Merry, merry Christmas.


What are you thankful for?

Unique Divorce

My divorce is, hands down, better than my marriage was. We’re free from drama. We’re not trying to love each other just because we had a kid together. We channel all of that love to the amazing boy we created.

To some, my divorce might seem odd. At times, it is to me. The basic facts are simple…we’ve hammered out a weekly schedule that works for both of us, the majority of that time being with me. We both bend over backwards to accommodates changes when they arise. We keep every last detail out of the court system. I really don’t feel that a third party is necessary to make life choices for our son. On the other hand, I know I’m lucky that my son has an incredibly laid back dad who sees his son every week and isn’t ever looking to pick a fight. And I’m never looking to be on a power trip.

It’s the other details that are different. We have no filter with each other, we never walk on eggshells. When I go to pick Aidan up and my ex is like, “Wow, it’s chilly in here.” I’m all deadpan, “Turn your fan off, buddy.” He brings Aidan out to my car and says, “Wow, clean your car much?” I can tell him his haircut looks bad and he can make fun of me for talking too loudly on my phone in his house. Yet we somehow never offend each other.

I know that, for the rest of my son’s life, I will have to remind his dad at least three times, on separate occasions, if I want him to show up for one of Aidan’s functions. He knows that I would be crushed if I did not have both Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning with our son, so he kindly sits in the backseat and waits to accommodate my schedule preference.

This semester it was not uncommon for me to pick Aidan up after a Tuesday night class and have dinner waiting for me, courtesy of my ex-husband. And you have to understand, the ex is a fantastic chef. I mean really, really talented. He also took the pile of leaves I raked this fall and dragged them to the curb for me because I wanted to leave earlier to visit sisters in another state and I, of course, had waited until the last day to get that little project done. I bought his birthday dinner and gifted him with gorgeous beach shots of Aidan for Father’s Day. He hooks me up with delicious eats when I'm throwing a girls' night. Since child support is included in the list of what we keep out of the court system, I'm extremely flexible. I would never, in a million years, intentionally create drama where my son is concerned and we both agree it is in his best interests to keep our relationship in a good place. I was extremely nice to the girl he dated for awhile, because she was extremely nice to my son. Though I haven’t introduced Aidan to any males yet, I know the ex would be supportive.

So, knowing all of this, the other day was typical.

My phone rings. It’s the ex, he sounds a touch frantic.

“What are you doing?”

Me, all sassy, “I’m getting dinner on the table for your son, what are you doing?”

“I’m cooking for some people at their house, right by you. And I forgot to bring a whisk. And I’m making this custard and I have to have a whisk. Please?” The restaurant where he is the head chef is miles away.

So I load up our son and grab my whisk.

When I pull up to this house, I realize how ridiculous it sounds when I talk to the guy who greets us, “I’m dropping this kitchen utensil off for my ex-husband. He’s the chef.”

After we depart I call him. “You owe me.”

“I know.”

“I’m just saying, next time you see me in your restaurant, you better pull out all the stops.”

He counters, “I have a feeling you’ll be calling me to shovel soon.”

Darn it. He can always get me with the enticing manual labor offer.

“Whatever, you owe me dinner.”

“Will do.”

My favorite part about this is that it’s all representative of the norm. Aidan’s parents loved him too much to stay together, but definitely enough to pull off one hell of a divorce.

Double Digits are Normal

Thank you for reading the previous self-indulgent graduation posts. And now, back to your regular programming.

I was asked to sub on a bowling league last night. I originally agreed because I was excited I actually could. I didn't have school and Aidan wanted to see his grandparents. Perfect! The only problem is, I am a terrible bowler. Really bad. No, worse than that. I bowl all wrong. I have my hand turned the opposite way it should be so that I am basically flicking the ball which generally sends it to cold, dark gutter land. In addition, apparently I bowl on the same side I am stepping with so I have to throw around my leg, which is also a very ineffective manner of getting the ball to the pins.

And this is a LEAGUE.

I watched a guy from the team next to me throw down six strikes before he had a frame where he only knocked down nine pins. And subsequently looked as though perhaps someone had killed his cat. On purpose.

The first round I bowled a 62. Then I felt inadequate and tried to improve. I bowled a 54 in round two.

If this wasn't enough, evidently the three guys I was bowling with forgot to brush me up on bowling league etiquette. Because after a few frames this woman stormed over to me and hissed, "You need to wait until the person on our team is done bowling before you walk on the wood." What I really wanted to reply was, "Thank you, D-Cup. You really need to wear a bra while you're bowling."

I refrained and instead smiled sweetly and, in a sugar-coated tone, said, "Oh, I had no idea! Thanks!" Immediate mean eyes were dished out to my teammates, as they probably knew I was going to get called out on this. I guess this is what I missed out on by not having brothers.

The shining moment of the night was when this old man from another team felt personally called on to help my sorry ass out. First he helped me lead with the right foot. Then he, very kindly, told me that I look a bit challenged when throwing the ball and assisted me in correcting my horrendous form.

First frame of the third round I threw his way. I threw a strike. A strike! I hadn't even had a spare up until that point! I jumped up and down like I won the lottery and he just had that proud, satisfied coach look written across his face.

"Thanks, grandpa!"

My team looks at me like I am an idiot, because it's not like he gave me permission to call him grandpa. But he totally looked like a grandpa and mine aren't alive. If they were, teaching me how to bowl would be something I'd like them to do. Besides, he definitely didn't mind. I don't think. He kept giving me pointers.

Guess what? Yeah, that's right. TRIPLE DIGITS. Just barely. But I felt better about that 101 than the guy next to me felt about his 235, I'm sure of it. I almost made the employee at the counter print it off for refrigerator material but decided against it, as I think I adequately embarrassed my team for the night.

I'm not thinking I'll be asked to sub again anytime soon. But I totally want to go bowling again. Seeing three digits next to my name was, sad to say, genuinely thrilling.

Surpriiiiiise!

Let's put it this way. The week my sister got married, I had insomnia. She, on the other hand, slept just fine. If there is a party happening in my family, I'm up to my elbows in the planning. I am not, in any way, complaining about this. I used to be an event coordinator and I absolutely relish in the preparation and pulling off of an event.

That same sister knocked my socks off by driving 16 hours from New Orleans to cheer me on when I walked across the stage Saturday. As I scanned the crowd to find my family, I realized my error in not wearing waterproof mascara as my eyes landed on my little sister, waving with the same ferociousness as someone who has just realized the camera is poised in their direction while in Times Square on New Year's Eve. She spent 32 hours in a vehicle with her 5-year-old over the course of four days so that she wouldn't miss my day. That is love.

I also thought there was a very real possibility, even as the first person to graduate in my family, that we might just order pizza that night. Okay, I'm joking. But I certainly was not expecting to see a white stretch Hummer casually hanging outside my mom's house when we walked out, calling who was going to ride with who.

What the what?

And then we showed up to dinner and I'm all predictable, "Table for eight, please." This, of course, right before I notice that friends of mine are already sitting there! It was amazing. My two closest friends, one local, one in Philly, had helped my mama pull off an epic surprise.

Every last detail- the Spanish champagne, the invite in rhyming Spanish, the Mexican food...it had been planned perfectly.

I LOVE surprises.

Thanks to all the awesome people in my life.

And now I'm feeling the itch to plan a party for someone...

Typical.

Finally a Graduate!

I cannot sum up graduation weekend in just one post, so this one will be Aidan-focused and the next one will be everything else(surprise party, limo, etc)!

A typical day in the life of Aidan and his mama for the last semester: Mom gets up around 6. Aidan gets another 50 minutes of sleep. Then we're both up and a flurry of activity ensues. Breakfast! Arguments about clothing! Making sure we don't forget show and tell items for A, homework for Mom, both gloves for A, Mom's coffee thermos to keep her sane, etc.

Comments like this constantly ring out, "Aidan! A royal blue shirt and navy blue pants do not match!"

"But Moooommm! They're both blue."

Screw it. We don't have time. You'll just have to look like your mother blindfolded herself before picking out your outfit.

Aidan is off to either his dad's or school for the day, I'm off to work.

The after party: Three days a week Aidan has either been with his dad, a grandma or a girlfriend of mine while I attend school. I pick him up just in time to cuddle him, maybe get a short activity in and on to the bedtime routine. Which he has been dragging out even more than normal as a result of not getting in enough face time with his mama. Which has whittled my patience down to something resembling that of a person who has been stuck behind a train for twelve minutes and was already five minutes late when they got on the road. Not good.

After this full day of excitement, I settle down on the couch with a Spanish novel, or an assignment from writing class.

Joy.

This has all been about as fun as shoveling my driveway in a hot pink bikini while someone shoots paint balls at me. Just keep going! It'll end at some point! C'mon, dodge that potential disaster! DO IT! Even though you feel as though you may just throw in the towel, sit down and decide it's not worth it.

Last Thursday the mitten blessed us with a snow day. Granted, it was supposed to be my final presentation day for my final Spanish class and now I have to go do that tomorrow, but it was the first Thursday night I've had with my boy since summertime.

We made fudge, we read stories, we took a ring off the Christmas countdown chain we made and we delighted in this lovely little gift of a lowkey evening together.

Last night, after the perfect dinner with friends, I turned off all the lights except the Christmas tree and we cozied up and slept by it together.

I get this ALL THE TIME now. Every week night. Weekends. With my boy. I haven't had this since he was born.

Blinking back tears as we fell asleep under the shimmer of Christmas last night I felt really grateful. Grateful for a boy with infectious laughter and genuine hugs and kisses who sacrificed so much so his mama could finish what she started eight years ago.